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Welcome to the first episode of what I look forward to making a semi-regular addition to this website. Please head over to the page dedicated to archiving these posts for an introduction.

The Huffington Post today has a slideshow titled “High-Tech Toilets: Amazing Bathrooms From The Future”, authored by one Catharine Smith . That’s quite a headline, isn’t it? It really grabs you. Gets you all excited! Are you excited? I sure am! Let’s see what’s inside…

Note: Before I tear into these products, I’d just like to say that 1, I like The Huffington Post. 2, I do not know who Catherine Smith is and this isn’t a personal attack. And 3, I’m really disappointed that a tech article on a publication with a readership as large as The Huffington Post has BROKEN LINKS ON EVERY SLIDE. Also, half these “amazing toilets from the future” aren’t even meant to be amazing toilets of the future. In fact 6 don’t even involve a toilet… and one is just a toilet wired up to Twitter:

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

but I digress…

http://www.urilift.com/
Urilift: The Urilift is a public restroom that disappears into the ground for most of the day. It rises up at 10pm and is designed to try and get drunkards to stop peeing on business fronts. This is a stupid idea. Don’t get me wrong, public restrooms are a great idea, but why does it have to disappear during the day? Why can’t everyone use it? Why does there have to be such an expensive and high-energy “solution” to such a stupid problem? Are these people really doing this out of a lack of options? My money is on the problem not disappearing once the hide-a-loo makes it’s appearance. This is a social issue, not a technological impairment.

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

Also, am I the only one who fears this thing to death? One malfunction in detecting an occupant and you’re swallowing up passed out drunkards to die horrible subterranean deaths by suffocation.

http://www.pressalit.com/pressalit/en-GB/Products/AutoClose/
The Autoclose: The Autoclose is a toilet seat with a built in infrared sensor which lowers the seat when it’s unoccupied. Another techie toilet solution that doesn’t need to exist. It’s not a stupid idea though. And it’s not even all that high-tech. But it’s completely unnecessary, and the patent holder should be ashamed of being so proud of it. The real issue here is that they came up with an overly complicated fix to an issue that is based around old technology. Instead of replacing the lid, they automated it.

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

There are three issues at play here. 1, the toilet seat exists for one reason: guys and gals pee differently. What’s interesting, is that of the two, the one who requires the largest target? The one with the most control over his duty. 2, the issue of the toilet seat being left up is entirely an issue of etiquette. By automating the process, you’re apparently giving up on any chance that the man you live with will ever care enough about you to follow a simple request. 3, the toilet lid has two sides and two purposes in the modern bathroom: a, when closed it’s top is a stool you can work on (clip your toenails etc), and it’s bottom prevents the micro-spray created by flushing from coating the rest of the room in a nasty microscopic film of bio-zoo.

I’m not going to make some insane proclamation such as retiring the hinged toilet seat to tech heaven (for some of you that would be blasphemous), and there’s already people working on the micro-spray problem, but do we really need another thing to put batteries into to provide a mid-term solution for that vexing problem known as “poor manners?”

http://www.yankodesign.com/2009/06/04/two-in-one-turn-around-loo/
The Ultimate Clean Toilet: Here’s a “unique” (read: artistic) solution that hides it’s ridiculousness behind a real problem: dirty toilets. Okay, I’m with you on that one. UV light and steam are great ways to clean the toilet without having to touch it. And no one likes cleaning toilets manually. But that’s just the justification you tagged onto your art project, where you took a toilet and turned it into a useless transformer.

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

Why would anyone need to transform a toilet into a urinal? If it functions as a toilet, then chances are you need to surround it with a private partition like normal toilets have. Has anyone ever had a problem peeing into a toilet, or lamenting at not having an option? There is NO problem requiring this solution. All it does is make a toilet more complicated and thus prone to more malfunction. Congratulations, you’ve managed to decrease the functionality of a device that has already been nearly perfected.

http://dvice.com/archives/2009/10/crazy-showerhea.php
The Showerhead Squid: To be fair, this is billed more as artwork than a functioning product. My main beef with this thing? Tremendous waste of water. I don’t know what parts of the world allow that volume of water to flow through a single shower head, but I wouldn’t want to be around if the damn thing ever got plugged up from hard water. Even if you don’t care about the waste aspect, the entire point of having multiple sources of water within a shower is the option of multiple DIRECTED projection. Where is the “luxury” in having every source of water come from the same direction? This is a completely pointless creation.

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

Speaking of overhyped “luxury”, I’m not even going to comment on the ever-increasing catalog of iDevices quizzically included into this slideshow…

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

Nor am I going to get into a tizzie over how the Loo Watt is, in fact, a DE-tech creation which would be more appropriately suited for a “green bathrooms” slideshow.

Nor will I comment on the gaudy blue led novelty toilet seat, even if it was most likely included as an ironic addition…

Image originally sourced by HuffingtonPost.com. Their credit mark on the image is assumed accurate.

Oh, but I suppose that since the voting option ranges from “Tech Don’t” all the way up to “Tech Do”, that this entire slideshow and it’s multiple infringements against common intelligence should be released from serious critique and discussion.

Really? The “Bath Roo” rated as number one, or “Tech Do!?!” here is that transforming monstrosity that I figured anyone with a brain would realize was completely asinine. My brain is beginning to hurt. But the damn mechanical aspirin dispenser of the future is on the fritz =(

- Joshua